Valentine’s day has its origins in the feast of Lupercalia, which included Roman men whipping women, hitting them (it was thought to encourage fertility) and a matchmaking lottery in which men got to pick (AKA force) women to copulate with for the night. Romantic!
Thankfully writers like Shakespeare and Chaucer helped make Valentine’s Day a bit more lovey and a lot less violent, leading to where we are today: heart-shaped chocolates, roses, andtons of red, white, and pink schlock. Still, as the great Andre 3000 once said, “F%#! that Valentine’s Day.” Love doesn’t need to be expressed on one day, or with one thing, and you definitely don’t need to break the bank to prove you care. If you’re anti-Valentine, anti-love, or anti-capitalism, we’ve got some suggestions for how to celebrate on the fourteenth.
Courtesy of Class Pass
1. Take a kettlebells class, followed by yin yoga class at OM Movement. Om, located in Coconut Grove, is known for its airy space and eclectic offerings in classes, alongside more traditional yoga practices. Throw around some steel balls and then stretch into bliss and centeredness. Kettlebells from 6:15 p.m. to 7 p.m., OM Yin from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. Thursday, February 14, at 2895 McFarlane Rd., Second Floor, Miami; 786-452-8428; ommovementstudio.com. Prices vary, depending on package.
Ovaries before brovaries.
2. Gather your girls for Galentines Day. “We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third.” Leslie Knope from Parks & Recreation truly is an American heroine. Galentine’s Day celebrations are traditionally held the day before V-Day, like the Girl Gang Galentine’s Day Party at 1 Hotel South Beach this Wednesday. But you can disrupt Cupid’s plans on the 14th, too, for added badass points. Whether you decide to serve your best gal and gal-identifying friends waffles or something else delicious, the point is to show appreciation for the people you love in a non- partnery way. Girl Gang Galentine’s Day Party, 6 p.m. – 9 p.m. Wednesday, February 13, at 1 Hotel South Beach, 2341 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-604-1000; 1hotels.com.
Forget rom coms and see Roma instead.
Courtesy of Netflix
3. See Roma on 70 mm at Coral Gables Art Cinema. There are only a handful of theaters in the US showing Roma— director Alfonso Cuarón’s epic black and white film on his life growing up middle class in Mexico City in the ’70s—on the big screen. So why not be anti “Netflix and chill” this V-Day and go see it in the Gables? Grab popcorn and beer, chocolate and wine, (or, hey, all of the above!) as you watch nanny and housekeeper, Cleo, (played by the killer Yalitza Aparicio) dazzle on screen. 8:45 p.m. Thursday, February 14 at Coral Gables Art Cinema, 260 Aragon Avenue, Coral Gables; gablescinema.com. Tickets start at $12.
A match made in anti-Valentine’s-Day heaven.
Photo by Christopher Collins
4. Spend Valentine’s Day with nerds. Trivia and drag queens is something to enjoy every week, and Valentine’s Day is no different. Show your love for nerdery and theater, random information and art revelry at one of Miami’s most beloved parties, Double Stubble, held at one of Miami’s most beloved bars, Gramps. The trivia begins around 7:30, and drag shows are at 10 and 11 p.m.. There’s no need to be fabulous at home alone, so get your dollars and your mind over there. Starting at 7:30 p.m. Thursday, February 14 at Gramps, 176 NW 24th St., Miami; gramps.com. Free.
5. Engage in the world’s least sexy sport: bowling. Bird Bowl is one of the last vestiges of old-school Miami, and it still delivers. Bowl a game or two with your partner or friends, and get a plate of french fries and chicken wings. Fall asleep full and happy and smelling of nostalgia and shoe deodorizer. Open from 9 a.m. to 1 a.m. Thursday, February 14 at 9275 SW 40th St., Miami. Prices vary.