NFL coaches talk to media from the opposing team’s market every week, and New England coach Bill Belichick often takes that opportunity to tell the reporters how awesome the teams they’re covering truly are.
Two weeks ago, for example, Belichick told New York reporters that the Jets’ offense is “explosive.”
The Jets have scored three touchdowns in five weeks.
So, yes, Belichick says things that he may or may not necessarily mean. But, you know, everyone knows it and we all play the game of nodding and asking more questions as if no one has a clue the Patriots coach is not being transparent.
Luckily for you, The Miami Herald has recently purchased a meaning translator. And this technological marvel is like truth serum on steroids. The nerd who runs the translator inputs a recording of any person’s discussion and the machine spits out what that person really meant.
So we applied this technology to Belichick’s conference call with Miami reporters on Monday.
This is the result:
Q: Why has Miami been such a tough place for the Patriots to play the past few years?
BB: “They’ve got a good football team. They’ve got a lot of good players. They’re well-coached. Adam [Gase] does a really good job of game planning and scheming. Coach [Darren] Rizzi did a great job in the kicking game against Buffalo. We saw that on Sunday. They’re always tough and they have a lot of good players. It’ll be a big challenge for us. It always is down there. It’s that way against Miami everywhere, so they’re tough.
BB run through translator: They’ve got a mediocre and inconsistent football team, just look at their record. They’ve got a lot of good players, thankfully many of them are on IR or playing elsewhere, like Mike Pouncey with the Chargers. They’re well-coached because right now I can only remember my boy Nick Saban, who is like a brother to me, as their coach. Adam [Gase] was my brother Nick’s grad assistant at LSU so he’s like my nephew, which means he does a really good job, too. Coach Rizzi did a good job on Sunday. If Rizzi’s unit doesn’t show up on Sunday, the crappy Bills beat the Dolphins.
Q: Are there particular challenges associated with playing in Miami specifically?
BB: Well, I think it’s more the Dolphins.
BB run through translator: Well, it’s as hot as the sun’s surface in September and if we show up too early the day before the game the clubs on South Beach do a number on half my roster, but it’s more the Dolphins.
Q: What players have stood out to you on Miami’s offense?
BB: “Well, again, they’re a well-balanced group. They have a lot of guys contributing. Certainly the running backs are two quality players, both with high averages. [Kenyan] Drake’s had an outstanding year catching the ball, but we can’t underestimate [Frank] Gore there either. The receivers, again, that’s an explosive group. They’ve got a lot of big plays. I know a couple of those guys are hurt but some of them aren’t too. There’s some new players – not new, new – but have become more important to them; [Kalen] Ballage, [Nick] O’Leary. They’re becoming a factor, too. They have good depth. With [Ryan] Tannehill in there, he’s obviously a very athletic player that can extend plays and adds an element to the offense that just makes them tougher to defend as part of the running game or quarterback movement or escaping on a play where the coverage might be good, but if you don’t have the quarterback then he runs out and breaks you down. They did a great job last year of mixing things up on us. It was a multitude of players plus a good game plan, a good scheme that really hurt us. There’s no one guy you have to stop or one thing that’ll cover everything. You’ve got to play good as a team. That’s really your only chance.”
BB run through the translator: They’re a balanced group that struggles running the ball and passing the ball. They have a lot of guys contributing, but no one contributing at elite levels. They have Kenyan Drake, who’s a running back, but coaches don’t trust him running so I’ll say he’s a good pass-catcher. They have Kalen Ballage who gets the football on third-and-1 in the Wildcat instead of giving it to Frank Gore. And Nick O’Leary is a discard from Buffalo who has taken the job away from their second-round pick who doesn’t block. I better mention their quarterback. What does he do well? Ryan Tannehill is very athletic and can run. There’s no one guy you have to stop. Really, there isn’t. If you play good, we win the division again for like the 15th time in 16 years.
Q: What do you remember from the 2008 matchup at Gillette Stadium where the wildcat offense was introduced?
BB: “It was a good game for Miami. It wasn’t a good game for us. That was a long time ago. There’s a lot of water under the bridge since then. I mean, they’ve run that formation. But there’s a lot of new people now that we have to defend and worry about that weren’t any part of that game.”
BB run through the translator: It was a good game for Miami. I got out-coached that day. That was a long time ago, why are you bringing it up now you [expletive] reporter? I mean, they’ve run that formation, even on third-and-1 in the fourth quarter last week which made me chuckle because, you know, that wasn’t Ricky Williams or Ronnie Brown out there. There’s new people they got now that aren’t as good as those guys.
Q: How do you weigh the importance of process versus results?
BB: “Well, process is the most important thing. The results will take care of themselves. I mean, it’s a bottom-line business. We’re all in it for the results, but without a good process I don’t think the results will last very long if you happen to temporarily achieve them.”
BB run through the translator: Is this Armando Salguero? I know you got into a back-and-forth with my nephew Adam a few weeks ago about process and results so let me say process is most important. If your process is good, the results will take care of themselves, especially if you have a future Hall of Fame quarterback on your side and the three stooges disguised as division rivals in your division. We’re in this for the results and we get them while those other guys not so much. But they should continue to concentrate on the process and chase those process titles while we chase Super Bowls. So process is everything.